COLUMBUS, OHIO -- Lars Eller scored 4 goals and added 1 assist last night in the NHL, and tonight he looks to do the same as he will step into the Jackets lineup as replacement for Ryan Malone, who is nursing a sore throat.

Eller's breakthrough performance for the NHL's Canadiens was the talk of the town in Columbus, as the team prepares to face the faultering San Jose Sharks tonight at Nationwide Arena. Feeling like a boss, Eller arrived at the rink for the pre-game skate with no fewer than 2 bitches by his side (see picture). Although the Jackets' pre-game rituals are usually strictly enforced, club GM Eric allowed Eller's hoes to join him into the team dressing room. "Lars is on top of the world right now, he scored 5 points in the NHL last night and so who am I to tell him what he can and can not do. I will let him prepare for tonight's game whichever way he wants, whether that be by skating with the team or by banging sluts, but what's important is that he knows we're counting on him to pop in at least another 4 for us tonight", said GM-Eric. Eller will have his work cut out for him since early reports indicate he will be playing on the 4th line and will see no time on the powerplay.

When asked whether or not Eller's breakthrough performance has impacted the team's decision to seek trade opportunities involving the Danish forward, GM-Eric simply stated that Eller's value can only go up from here and that interested teams might want to inquire about him sooner rather than later.

-BJ Express