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“Somehow, despite being the number one centre and playing on the number one powerplay unit, I have less playing time than Marleau, Andreas Johnsson, Tyler Ennis, and Derek Grant. How in the world does that happen. Commissioner Barry promoted me to be the driving force of this team, and I can’t do that when I’m on the bench more than those worthless plugs who’re ahead of me.” 

 

“Yeah I said it. Worthless. Didn’t you get the message? I’m the only player on this team that has value, and if I’m not here this team can’t and won’t win a game all year. Just ask the sim gods. My two shots on net last night were howitzers, and a guy like Shea Weber is really going to benefit from me playing here. When he gets 50 assists this year he should give me and the commish half of his next contract for inflating his numbers. It’s frustrating for me that I need to play with chumps like the guys on this roster, but until Commissioner Barry gives the Knights the authority to fully manage their team, then I guess I’m forced to continue to hope and pray for more of his goodwill.” 

 

“Looking back on that game against the Wild, (and I honestly don’t know how they eat when none of their players have any hands), after seeing how they played against us, the commissioner should really consider managing their team as well. Heck, why even stop there - he should be managing every team. Just imagine how perfectly vanilla the league would be if every team was managed by our beloved commissioner - no one would ever strike out for not getting their lines in before the sim! It’s genius. I’d love to take credit for the idea, but we all know Commissioner Barry deserves the credit.” 

 

“As I continue to light this league up and set the record straight for all the jabroni GMs, I’ll add more power, authority, and credibility to the commissioner’s mandates, and eventually we’ll force the rest of the teams to assimilate or face persecution and undue harassment.” 

 

“Yeah, I scored one against the Wild. Fired it right past Carter Hart. Now watch me go out and light the Sabers up tonight.”