And NOW… the moment you’ve all been waiting for… It’s the 2018 edition of NEFHL FAKE NEWS!!!!
Please give a round of applause for our anchor person, GM Steve of the champion New York Islanders*. GM Steve, long in the tooth though he may be, has a special appreciation for fake news, living so far South of the wall to the North.*
“Please take your seats ladies* and gentlemen*.” <the lights dim and the spotlight focuses directly on the center stage microphone as Steve is wheeled out on a hand truck in Silence of the Lambs straight jacket garb> The band Venom begins to play a short clip from Welcome to Hell as GM Steve is unbuckled, un-hockey-masked, unchained, and unleashed upon the clamoring throng of NEFHL GMs.
With hands grasping the sides of the pressroom podium, a clear grin of insanity on his face, GM Steve begins… “Greetings Fuckheads!!!” and the room immediately erupts in a standing ovation.*
“First and foremost, the Number 1 seed in this year’s post season, the Buffalo Sabres*, have set a new standard for NEFHL strategic thinking*.*” <an undercurrent of murmuring sweeps through the assemblage> “ GM Kevin has finally proven that you can’t have too many cooks in the kitchen. His foresight, hockey knowledge and total 360 degree 365 day/24 hour belief in the unbelievable, has taken his Sabres franchise to the pinnacle of SIM hockey greatness*. We should all give a big sigh to the dream he has turned into reality.”*
GM Carter, the Oppo-Kevin, chimes in out of order, “What the Asian philosophical fuck? Kevin huh?”
Ever ready, GM Steve replies calmly , “Shut the fuck up before I chew your face off.”
Moderator JD Barry steps to the microphone, clearly non-plussed, “Just a Canadian minute! I refuse to allow these defamatory obscenities to be espoused at a SIM presser!”
GM Steve, grabbing the microphone, quickly rooster-stepping to the side of the stage, responds, “Are you fucking kidding me? You dole out strikes for the non-postment of FAKE NEWS about shit that has never happened ever anywhere except in your personal computer??”
Barry, blushing profusely, sighs and steps back, allowing the presser to continue unimpeded.
GM Carter, not to be dismissed to quickly, throws up a counterpunch… “Why should we believe you? You’re just another fucking Trump-dick sucker from south of the border?” GM Steve, snickering… “And did Trudeau tell Trump to suck dick when he lied about the trade deficit?”
GM Carter slinks off into the shadowy corner, knowing that he’s accumulated a hidden wealth from American stupidity.*
GM Jamie Hoover, inventor of the simulated vacuum, chimes in… “I knew that would happen.”
GM Trev, eyes fluttering open, “Knew what would happen?”
GM Jamie, shaking his head in exasperation, “Don’t go there Trev!”
GM Brent, sensing an opportunity, shouts, “This is the year of the Penguins!!*”
GM Curtis, having clinched a post-season berth, shoots back, “Can you hear the Jaws music jerkweed?”
GM Brent blushes, realizing the improbability of his throw-down, slinking off into the shadows of the pressroom.
GM Eric, not to be outdone in the FAKE NEWS department, slips in a left-handed line, “This thing has been rigged since Day One. If I had slept with you-know-who*, I’d be in 1st place right now.”
GM Barry, looking around for support, instead cracks a Molson and tries his hand at invisibility.
GM Steve, finally realizing things have gotten out of hand, suggests, “I think we must postpone this presser since the assembled throng is clearly out of control.”
* = Fake News